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Continuously learning about how we, as humans, tend to harbor negative energy (aka. emotions) and project them inward (to create illness) or cast it onto others (creating some form of abuse) is part and parcel of what an energy healer like myself does. Recognising, feeling, and understanding the reasons behind these negative emotions and then – most importantly – diffusing and letting them go is essential for us all to live happier and healthier lives. It’s a constant ‘work in progress’ for everybody, and one that we should never stop working at.
I stumbled upon a book called The Narcissist You Know, which has been a great insight on the root causes of extreme narcisissm; which comes back to core shame, not feeling worthy of love, or not feeling loved. While I’ve learned a lot about the various levels and types of narcissism from the book, the one thing that keeps recurring is how narcissists are incurable. While I do agree with the aurthor in that whenever there is physical danger or emotional abuse in play: walking away is the best way to cope in that moment; what doesn’t resonate with me is the incurable theme.
I’m not saying an extreme narcissist can do a long-term 180 degree turn (well, actually I think they can, but they must be willing to be humble enough to change, then that change happens in an instant), but as a healer – I just can’t turn my back on those souls who are acting out because they do not believe they are worthy of love at their core.
I won’t attempt to explain all the elements of what a narcissist is, as there are plenty of authoritative websites out there that can tell you all about it. But just so we’re all on the same page here, it’s important to recognise that we all have a little bit of those tendencies within us. Just like every other part of you and your life, there is a sliding scale: from mild to extreme. Sometimes you’re slightly irritated, then sometimes more, then maybe every now and then – extremely irritated (or even angry). You can say the same sliding scale applies to boredom, happiness, sadness, and so on.
So with narcissism, sometimes you can be a little egocentric (unloading all your worries on someone else yet forgetting to ask them how they are) – that sort of happens in the course of life and we can all typically shrug off that sort of instance with little to no long-term affect. Where things get sticky is when its intensity increases to the point where the person forgoes all empathy and understanding for others: extreme. That’s when your life gets entangled and handling the situation gets difficult.
Just because dealing a narcissist is hard doesn’t mean we should emotionally abandon them. No matter the complexity of how they got to their narcissistic state, or at what time in their life it became a problem, they all suffer from intense shame which results in low- to no self worth, low- to no self esteem and are incredibly lonely in their heart of hearts.
They lash out in anger, either verbally or physically, as a primordial defense mechanism with little thought or reflection that the very thing they just did is what drives away the one thing they want: to feel love and acceptance.
I’m not suggesting to pander to the needs of an extreme narcissist and pretend the situation isn’t insane or hurtful, and by no means should you ever allow your own beautiful energy and self worth be depleted by the situation. Please always protect yourself and walk away if you must.
I just ask you to stop and think about how sad that place must be to live in. To constantly feel as though you must fight for your existence – as though everybody doesn’t want you here. To grab at, demand for, and seduce adoration and popularity (which is a poor replacement for true love) into their lives – as though love is not abundantly available everywhere. So what do we do?
Would you agree that hatred begets hatred? That if you are sitting in a dark room with no windows or doors, and keep the light switched turned off, there will just be more dark? That is the world of an extreme narcissist.
Because they repel others through their egocentric, strange and sometimes (very) horrid behaviour, the energy they get back from their surrounding is more of the same: anger, hatred, negativity. If you follow my loving energy blog or have taken my Reiki Master course, you will know what that does to the offender. It simply loads them up with more of the feelings they are trying to run from. You are not turning on any lights for their darkness by hating them; at the very least we must light a candle in hopes they’ll eventually find their way.
Again, I’m not saying you should try to reach out with open arms when a narcissist is in a fit or rate – not at all! Quite the opposite! Protect yourself first and foremost! But you, my sweet listeners, as the more stable soul, as the more centred energy being, once you shake off their hysterics – I ask you to send them love. This might sound a bit airy fairy, but if you fill your mind with horrid thoughts of your abuser, curse them, and despise them (although they may deserve every bit of it) — you are sending that negative energy to them and keeping them in a very cold, lonely place. Empathise! Understand how desperate they must be to act that way, that in their core (despite their arrogance and actions) they feel more horrible and more unloved than you can fathom.
You will do more good for all to send them love. It doesn’t mean you forgive them, it doesn’t mean they’re right. What it means is you’re rising above the madness and sending them positive love & light. Just two steps to remember:
- Visualise: Picture them in your mind, feel the welling of love in your heart, then send that love with positive words such as “Betty, here is the way to love” and “Craig, you are worthy of love” and “Father, you are capable of love”. This surrounds them with the kind of energy that, either in volume or over time, will affect them in a positive way. Neither of you may ever physically see it, but it will affect them in a loving way. I believe this to be truth.
- Move on: Dwelling in the past does not help anybody. What happened was probably horrid, but you are now heading forward, so face that direction, put those emotional bags down, and walk that way. It’s not easy, but your awareness and the love that you know is always with you will see you through. Even if you have to continue living with the narcissist, the act of moving on emotionally ensures you don’t harbour that negative energy within you (therefore you won’t develop emotional baggage at someone else’s expense). And for those of you who are able to completely remove yourself from the narcissist’s life, do not forget them – keep sending them love.
I’m aware that extreme narcissism is dangerous, so this technique is only to be used when you’re in a safe place (or are not with the abuser), and if it suits your situation. Be wise in these situations, and use these healing tips appropriately; this isn’t about replacing professional and experienced help, quite the contrary, I actually highly recommend it because the abuser and victim will likely have a tangled mess of things to sort through, either independently or together, such as anger management or self worth issues.
So please, if you’re in any sort of danger, don’t close your eyes and send them love right then, that will just provoke the situation. Take care of yourself fist. Use this loving healing wisely, not fool-heartedly.
For me, this is really how we can heal – through love. We cannot expect anybody to heal when we send them anger, hatred and spite. And as a victim of narcissist abuse, you cannot truly recover from that trauma if you continue to harbour that dark place in your heart. Let the love & light in – and the darkness will go.
Diffuse. Love. Move on. So much love & light to you my friends, Namaste xo